Dear Diary,

After Jack had basically asked me to become his fuck buddy, I had all sorts of thoughts running through my head.

Should I, shouldn't I? I want to, I don't want to. It'll change us, it won't change us. Am I really one of his best friends or did he just say that to get me into bed?! Why doesn't he want to get back with me? What's wrong with me?!

So I did alot of thinking about it all. I even looked up 'friends with benefits' on the internet! I learnt that sleeping with a 'real friend', especially if one has feelings for the other, is not particulary a good idea. Which is exactly what I though, at first.

But I was intrigued by the idea. I mean, there is great chemistry between me and Jack and then I can't forget the fact that he is amazing when it comes to sexytime! And a girl has needs!

Yet it would also be going against my morals. Having a fuck buddy has never ever ever came across my mind! I don't believe in waiting until your married, obviously, but i'm also not too keen on one night stands and I do think sex should be saved for relationships. Romantic ones. If I agreed to it, i'd feel like I was slowly turning into a slut, what with already having a one night stand under my belt this month!

So I began thinking about our friendship and how it would change. I don't believe he was lying to me the other night when he said I was one of his best friends. He has said it before and I know if he wasn't interested in being friends, he wouldn't even bother with me at all. As for our friendship, I don't think anything bad would happen to it at all. I don't know how it would. Me and Jack have such a relationship that we never fall out or if we do we're friends again within 5 minutes! I can't see sex doing any harm. If anything, it'll make us even better friends!

I can only see it changing if he develops feelings for me again and lets me know. Then there's a chance we'd get back together. I know I still have feelings for him, but there's no way i'm going to tell him, because he's already made it clear he doesn't want anything more than friendship, with some added benefits. It sounds like i'm setting myself up to have my heart broken but I know the deal here, so I can handle it. As long as out friendship exists, then i'm happy with that, because that means more to me than anything.

Whilst thinking, I also discoverd reasons for why it could be a good idea. Firstly, it could make him fall for me all over again. That doesn't mean i'm getting my hopes up and thinking he will. I'm not really expecting that to happen at all, but I do think there's a slight chance it could happen. I mean the way he was looking at me the other night and stuff were tell tale signs that he does feel more for me than he's letting on. If i'm right then maybe he's not saying anything now because i'm back in Germany again until June and obviously he knows already how hard it is being apart for so long.

And i've been thinking about this. I do reckon, Germany is the reason he broke up with me. It's always harder for the person left behind. I've experienced that myself. The person away is off having the time of their lives (or so it may seem) whilst the person left behind is just stuck in normal boring everyday life, which makes the situation suck even more. They have no idea where you are, who you're with and what you're getting up to! They've never been there, met your new friends and experienced your 'new' life. This makes it even harder to trust you and believe that you still want them. It makes it all too easy for that person left behind to decide they want a change and put some fun back into their life.

With this in mind, I can understand why Jack fell for Meagan. I know he missed me alot and he must have felt really lonely, so it's not surprising that he got closer to Meagan, as compensation for me not being there. She was around and I wasn't. It's only natural that it happend. I know the same thing would have happend to me. I understand and that's why I don't get angry about him cheating on me with her, because I know how hard it is when you're in that situation and you're away from someone you love for a long time.

So if I hadn't of been in Germany this year, I don't think Jack would have fallen for Meagan and ended things with me. If I had been around, his attention would have been on me and he wouldn't have developed an interest in another girl. So if we do this 'friends with benefits' thing, that means when I get back from Germany for good, we'll be spending even more time together, allowing me to remind him of all the good times we shared and what we had together. I don't think it would take much to make him fall for me again.

However, one of the reasons I didn't get upset when we ended was because although I loved Jack, there were an awful lot of things I didn't like about him and our relationship. Things which I have seemed to have completely forgotten (I always do remember the good times and forget the bad!)! Spending more time with him, may just remind me of all the bad things and so rather than make me fall for him, it might just turn me off the idea of me and him getting back together. Even though I don't think Jack would have ended things if I had been at home this year, i'm not so sure I would have kept things going myself.

I can see three possible outcomes if we do this.

1. My feelings for him could become really strong (unlikely!)
2. My feelings for him could disappear
3. He could fall for me again

The worst scenario and the only bad one is number one. But I think this is really unlikely because as long as he keeps telling me he doesn't want to get back with me, i'll accept that and not fall any deeper ( I have a thing for only falling for people with an interest in me!). Even if he doesn't say it, i'll always be reminding myself, making me believe it and so i'll accept we're just friends. Plus i'm so sure that the more time I spend with him, the more i'll remember the bad times, putting me way off him. And the whole 'fuck buddy' idea already kind of puts me off him. If he falls for me, well that's his problem if I decide I don't want him.

So in conclusion (I feel like i'm writing an essay!), I actually think it's a pretty good idea! I can get laid whilst waiting for a new boyfriend to come along, giving me practise and providing me with lots of fun :D It'll make the summer more interesting and liven up rainy days :D And who better to do it with than Jack?! Jack who I know and and know I can trust with all my heart and who just so happens to be 'The Master'! Yes, i'll do this with him.

But i'd already decided before writing this...we had some fun right before I left for Germany :D It was all good and as of yet I haven't fallen for him :D

Lauren